I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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