awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
