My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
