You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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