I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
