In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
