When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
