can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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