can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
