i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
