I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
