Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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