Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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