TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
