Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
