y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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