OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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