Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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