Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
