I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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