the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
