I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
