Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
