i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I skipped work to stalk him.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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