tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
