tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
