I wish I could punch you in the face.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can't put those talents on a resume
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
