did you get engaged???
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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