sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
