i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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