she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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