i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
