I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
