No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
