I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
