there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
