Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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