Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
