it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
