Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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