Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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