i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
No subtext here. People are naked.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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