You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
