Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
