Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
