She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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