So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
