Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
