i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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