pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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